It’s been an emotional week but as I sit here now, I’m on the upswing. I don’t know if it was JC starting to school or some other hormonal thing going on, but for some reason I’ve been moody for a solid week. Unfortunately my birthday was smashed right in the middle of that week so it was not enjoyable. I was so irritable and couldn’t even stand myself to the point that it made me sick (which perpetuated it)… 😦
Where am I today?
All I can think at this very moment is “God is good.” He is patient and kind even when I don’t deserve it. He sent me such a great husband to put up with me even when I’m being a total witch. He sent me encouraging friends and put me in relationships that are supportive. The devil is trying really hard to derail me. I feel like every time I take a step forward he pushes me back. He brings up my past, my hang-ups, and my failures. He sits on my shoulder and whispers in my ear that I can’t do it. He says, “You’re not good enough.”
I can tell that I haven’t been in the word because when I’m not focusing on God it is super easy for the devil to weasel his way into my thoughts. My pastor has been preaching on how the war with evil is fought on the battlefield of our minds. He quoted a familiar saying (to which there are many versions), but here is a short one:
Our thoughts become our words
Our words become our actions
Our actions become our habits
Our habits become our character
Our character becomes our destiny
The war IS in my mind. When I choose to think right thoughts and those that are positive, my mental health begins to shift and life feels better… easier really. Even in the midst of a crazy moment, having a good attitude helps me control myself, control my feelings, and control my words and actions. I want to be known for loving others and not as selfish person. I think for me those are the biggest categories in which God is working on me. I can act the part, but what I really want is to BE the part! Is it fair to say that I want to feel on the inside what I project for others to see on the outside. I think that is the epitome of integrity within one’s self. For me, it is feeling joyful (not necessarily always happy), but having a deep sense of joy in spite of pain, suffering or heartaches. It’s having patience with my kids, patience with myself… and enjoying the journey of life. Not just looking for the next big moment.
I watched The Shack this week. It was amazing! I have read the book so many times. And I know there are people out there that don’t agree with it, but I must say, if someone watches it that doesn’t know anything about God or Jesus, it would certainly be a wonderful way of introducing them. I think that is why I have read that book so many times. I really do have a deep desire to know God intimately… To be his friend and pal. I love the scene where Jesus and Mack are walking on water and they make it to the other side of the lake. Mack looks so relieved and amazed at what has just happened. It’s like he’s had an adrenaline rush as if he had just gotten off the tallest roller coaster in America (and let’s face it, walking on water would be an adrenaline rush). He looks over to Jesus and smiles and lets out a big sigh of relief… and in that quick moment, they connect. That connection in friendship is the best right!? It’s like an inside joke, or a nod to something special between the two of you. As simple as it sounds, my best friend and I have made brownies since we were little girls… and to this day, we still make brownies when we get together. It’s a tradition!!! Just the mention of baking brownies brings back memories to the point where it builds and maintains that connection between us.
But you know what… I want to have that kind of friendship with Jesus too! I want to have conversations with him. I want to know what he likes. I want to be able to make him laugh. I want to be connected with the God of the universe. To know Him so deeply, that I can see the world through his loving eyes. I think The Shack helps give us a glimpse of God’s candidness. I’m sure he has a fun loving side, because we do. And we are made in his image right? I think all of our different personalities and the variety of emotions and facial expressions are just a hint into the vast depth of who God is. If he has given us a desire to connect with others and have relationships that are meaningful, it only makes sense that he would want that with us.
Lord help me to connect with you. Not just occasionally, but constantly! Help me to follow Paul’s instruction to pray without ceasing. Lord, I want to keep you in the conscious part of my mind. I want to think through situations as you would have me do. I want to speak and act in accordance of your will. I know if I keep you first, the devil will not defeat me in the battlefield of my mind. He will flee at the sound of your name. Lord you are so gracious and loving and I am so thankful you sent Jesus for me. Amen.